Writing a blog here, for me, is more about connecting with people than wanting people to know about me. I love it when people here tell me they relate to some of the stuff I post! I'm happy to have a conversation if anyone wants to (messages, I don't do chat or Skype, sorry).
• I am very, very, very particular about the people I want to meet up with. I'm protective of my body, and it takes certain people for me to feel comfortable with.
• I am less picky in choosing who to box than who to wrestle, because there is less physical body contact.
• An attractive man does not equal a good match.
• I only want to wrestle men who put all of their effort into fighting. I'm not very good with interactions that don't fit that description.
• It's not by design that most of my opponents are 50+... it's just that they are who I happened to click with.
• The main reason I wrestle and box is because they're fetishes of mine. They are more exciting to me than sex and porn.
• Just because I'm gay and wrestling is my fetish, that doesn't mean I mix wrestling with sex. They are completely different things to me.
• The way I wrestle with gay or straight men is exactly the same. My sexuality does not come into play during action at all.
• I watch regular wrestling and boxing videos to get off to. I don't like erotic fighting videos.
• Though I don't do it myself, watching pro wrestling is a huge turn-on for me. Other forms of wrestling are also stimulating to me, but not as much.
• I have no talent for any physical activity. I'm an awkward bag of flesh and bones controlled by an even more awkward brain. I just act on instincts.
• I'd rather not do any physical activities at all, but I force myself to do so. It's never easy for me to do this! Anytime I fight, it's against my natural tendencies.
• I don't work out, I skateboard and bike (in good weather) and walk a lot. I have zero interest in going to a gym. I prefer a little chub over muscles!
• Martial arts are the only sports I like, but only because they're a turn-on.
• I'm quite anti-competitive. I just want both parties to have a lovely time!
• I love speedos more than anything else by far. Singlets are #2.
• I like to wear speedos, but I don't like to see myself in them. Hence, no pictures of me wearing them (maybe someday, though).
• I dislike any logos or writing on all gear, I'm aesthetically interested in minimal/plain presentation, because I'm a picky artist! :P
• I'd rather say "briefs" or "trunks" than "speedos," but I've accepted that the latter is the de facto term for the thing I like.
• I don't like "sexy" gear at all! I prefer everything to be look functional and safe-for-work.
• If we're planning to meet, and I seem noncommittal... well, that's because I'm a scatterbrain and I always mess up dates and plans and no, I can't keep a calendar to save my life.
• I never, ever flake out, because if I let myself do that, I wouldn't fight anyone at all, ever. I've only cancelled because of schedule conflicts or physical impediments.
• I respect people who want to wrestle because it's masculine and manly, but I don't care about that stuff. I just want some good fighting.
• I don't like images of myself, so I only have a minimal amount. I'd rather choose carefully than post a bunch up.
• I don't do pro or jobber/heel stuff because I just don't have the mindset to pretend to fight. It seems like a fun thing in itself, but I'm not very good at role-playing.
[Note: This is an excerpt from my thesis, adapted for this site]
I’m not becoming tired of wrestling, but it's not as interesting as it once was to me. Yes, of course, I will always love it and enjoy it for, ahem, aesthetic reasons, but it's not something I obsess over anymore.
Part of the reason comes from the fact that it feels pretty limited. By this, I mean that there's only a certain gamut to operate within, based on the limitations of possible opponents and my lack of technique.
I feel that if I did some proper training, I would feel quite rejuvenated. I feel a bit stagnant right now. Maybe the only aspect I really enjoy is the physical resistance? (and the body contact) No, well, there's plenty of things.
I'm just quite adverse to the culture that surrounds wrestling in such a heteronormative society (in United States of America). First of all is the guys who do this; they're generally jocks/bros, or rather competitive people. I really dislike that: I want FUN. I also am not into the training part of it. Nothing about training seems enjoyable.
I feel that boxing culture is not too far off from that, at least from what I can tell by researching local gyms.
I do wonder how much of it I enjoy because it's novel and scary, and how much interest I actually have in it. It's just something I need to figure out by doing it!
I know I'd definitely feel more comfortable if it was an LGBT club! FitScot’s club of this type instilled this thought in me. It's funny, I don't put my sexuality at the forefront, but I really feel comfortable within the queer community... well, at least the quieter folk, ha! I think there's a certain vulnerability to being non-heteronormative that makes me feel better.
But that's funny, because I don't know of any straight friends that are homophobic whatsoever, though I do know I'll never get as close to them as I do with the members of my man zoo. I think that's probably because of the shared experiences that render us vulnerable, such as coming out. And feelings are often more on the forefront, just more emotional honesty... I also love the cuddling and the comfort of the physical contact that takes place, because that solidifies that bond. I'm sure straight women would be okay with that more than straight men, but neither would feel right... so yeah, a shared experience helps tremendously.
I talked to my trans instructor about my sexuality not being at the forefront, but most friends I made outside of the school context are bears. I wonder if that really pushes my sexuality forward…?, because that fact isn't incidental. But is it? I do gravitate HEAVILY toward those who are most like myself. My ideal friend (husbear?) would probably be a mildly autistic, INFP, overlapping taste in culture, skateboarder... but I'd prefer them to be "left-brained," responsibler... among other things.
It's weird how I really like people that are similar. I feel a bit odd saying that, but I think that people might actually want that more than they admit. At least I know for sure that I want them to not look like me. I love difference in looks quite a bit, as long as it's to my standard of what I aesthetically like...
And I'm wondering if neurotypical folk prefer people like themselves as much as I do. Of course, people want to have things in common, but I don't know how much in common they like them...
[Edited excerpt of an e-mail to FitScot]
He taught me, very briefy, 1-2-3-4-5-6, a couple dodging things, and that’s about it. I didn’t mind, I didn’t want to do endless training right then, I just wanted to learn the bare minimum to safely spar.
I just wanted him to punch me, to see what it felt like, but then he told me to fight back, so I did! And that’s what we did. And honestly, I was really jazzed to do more!
My hesitation for boxing came from the pain thing (as well as the macho, competitive culture of that, but I know I just need to find the right people). He wasn’t punching very hard, so it didn’t hurt, and the adrenaline helped loads! I just loved the feeling of facing my opponent the entire time (whereas wrestling not nearly as much), and both of us trying to punch each other but not be punched... my, what a concept, but it was quite exhilarating! I definitely want more of it!
I want to tell you a little story, ’cause it makes me warm inside
Though my desire to wrestle built up for a couple decades, a month of membership on this site passed before I did something about it. The hesitancy lay in the ubiquity of Submission as a primary interest. That frightened me a bit, because the only pain I imagined accepting would be incidental to the pinfall matches I craved. That notion was debunked rather swiftly.
Ah, but an unfulfilled desire persists, though my fear seems based more in reality.
I suppose I’m an agonophiliac: combat stirs me up. It’s at odds with my pacifist nature, though the seeds of curiosity were planted at an incredibly impressionable age. 'though I’m morally opposed to disrupting another man's homeostasis, it becomes desirable in the specific context of regulatory guidelines and… equipment.
Part of the appeal of watching a boxing match is wondering why in the bloody hell would these humans engage in this knowing they will experience unpleasant physical sensations repeatedly. Yet, I’m still fond of the idea. And yes, I fantasize about doing it as well.
However, I do not particularly enjoy pain (giving and receiving). I have never delighted in being struck in any way, even when pregnant with a jovial tone. I never feel a rush when concrete wins debate versus skateboard. The only “fight” I’ve been in boasted no actual blows, and concluded with my walking away after my friend’s flying drop kick off a bench landed more than a foot away from his target.
I’m a bit weary of it all, especially since most perceived aspects of boxing don’t appeal to me: I don’t care to prove myself, or to be better than my opponent. I have no desire to train (I like to improve on things by doing the thing itself), or to mold myself into better shape. I don’t need another outlet for aggression, anger, whatever. I believe I simply desire friendly and fun chunks of light sparring.
In a dream world, I’d be able to box as much as I wanted, but without the pain (I’d also be able to consume an unlimited amount of lactose). The contest would then rely on wearing each other out to a knockout. Health would abruptly be replenished, and permanent damage isn't a thing.
You see, I don’t think the aforementioned world really exists. My fantasy involves much more than I know I want in reality. So what do I do? Sock‘em Boppers? Jumbo boxing gloves? A shot of morphine?
Yes, I know: ignore the collywobbles and indulge.
Wrestling is a powerful force in my life now. It began only as a desire and the only kind of "porn" I watched, but it has heavily bled into less-private sectors of my being.
I have masturbated to pro wrestling matches for years, even before I accepted myself as being attracted to men. I have no interest in regular porn, nor do I even care for erotic matches. I just want good ol'-fashioned television-ready grappling contests - the best being World of Sport, Golden Age-era, and the occasional indy circuit. Less fake violence, more technique and body contact.
In my fantasies, I am one of the contestants of the match. Both of us are always wearing the standard trunks and boots; I usually wear navy blue. Most of these bouts consist of throws, grappling, and holds, but once in awhile a clothesline or a leg drop will be manifested. The matches almost always end with myself being bodyslammed, then pinned for the 3-count.
With that being said, I realize that wrestling IS sex for me. I know this because wrestling erotically with a couple of guys does much more for me than actual sex acts have ever done - I prefer headlocks over receiving head. Though motion is involved in sleeping with somebody, it's not the type of motion that can get me off.
I actually become a bit disappointed when the other guy ends the wrestling and begins the sex. I understand that, so I let it happen. However, I don't mind mutual masturbation afterwards at all - though I usually wank to the thought of us wrestling earlier (and this is assuming that I don't ejaculate during the match). I feel that, unless my opponent is into wrestling as much as I am, the latter situation works well for the both of us. This is especially great because I don't want to risk transmission doing things I'm not necessarily into.
Although it is on the same continuum, competitive wrestling is quite different for me. One of my fellow grads used to wrestle ages ago, and we have done it together once. He is straight, and so wants to keep it to sport - and I have no problem with that. I am able to turn off the erotic aspect and just engage in the struggle with him. He's a mountain climber and weighs 50 lbs. heavier than myself, but I am quite slippery. I do believe that we have become closer friends after our match together.
Another friend of mine suggested jujitsu and/or judo, but I don't have the time for anything organized outside of school right now. I am more interested in folkstyle wrestling, but I don't think there's anything for people like myself locally available - plus, I don't like the idea of the intense exercise, the competitive aspect, and the formality of it. I think what I'm doing now, hosting guys in my apartment, is working best for me.
However, at the time of writing this - my lease is almost up! I have been looking for places, and I have to say that the possibility of hosting is the driving force for me. Every place I have checked out, that is the first thought - can I wrestle here? My economic situation is different now than it has been living in this one-bedroom apartment (half of my rent was paid for), so I'm looking for something cheaper. I realized that renting a room in a house with roommates won't work, and I don't know if a studio would be adequate… so maybe it's worth shelling out the extra dollars for the same amount of space…? I have only hosted, so if I couldn't provide that, would my wrestling life just wither away?
Although my education comes first for these next two years, wrestling is actually an extremely important part of what I'm doing. It is not just satisfaction on a personal/erotic level, but it whisks me away to a different headspace that actually contributes to what I'm doing in school. I cannot possibly let this go. I just need to find a way to keep it going.